10 years ago, not long after my 20th birthday, I decided to write a letter for my future self.
I stumbled upon this service on Tumblr called FutureMe. For context, I was in the middle of a terrible depression due to seasonal changes in France (where I was in) and other troubles brewing in my life. I was sad, I felt like my life was not heading the way I envisioned it to be when I was younger. This letter was a desperate call to the future, something to look forward to.
I remember typing up the letter on my then-new laptop and then clicking send. I remember some parts I wrote, but the memories faded over the years. However, I always remembered that I had this letter waiting for me on November 28, 2024. So no matter what, I had to survive to read whatever I wrote on that cold day in December 2014.
So my 30th birthday rolled around and I couldn’t help but keep checking my email inbox since the clock turned 12. I was worried that the service was shut down, or something else happened that stopped the email from being delivered. I reminded myself to be patient and went along with the day. At 13.30, a notification popped up on my phone and smartwatch: one new email. And here’s what I wrote:
Dear Future Me,
Where are you standing now? I wish it’d be a great place where you feel like home. Is it still in France? Or is it in UK? Or are you back already in Indonesia? Are you good? Do you still dye your hair red and cringe each time you wash them? Are they still long? Do you still love kawaii clothes?
10 years. Wow, 10 years. Just to remind you that I wrote this when we were 20. Now there you are, 30. How does it feel to be 30? Is it hard? Is it wonderful? Is it the same as the past 29 birthdays you’ve passed before?
More importantly, Future Me,
Are you happy now?
We’ve gone through a lot in life. Even at the point where I write this, I know that I’ve been through a lot. Add 10 more years to where you are now, I’m sure there are a lot of things to add to the list.
Where do you work now? Have you found someone who you dearly love and loves you back with all his heart? Are you married yet? Have you got any children and found something to reduce your hatred towards kids? Have you done anything good for others? What about Mom, Dad, and Amy, are they going well now? Are you still in good terms with Uli, Ochi, Mbem, Nene, and others? Who got married first between Apollo 5G folks? Have they all grown up now?
Have your voice been heard? I wish that you are no longer be ignored, that you have people who respect and always look after what is going on in your brain. People who’d love to hear your voice telling them your opinions and knowledge. People who respect you highly as you respect them.
I’m sorry for asking too many questions but I guess we both know how curious we are.
We’ve been through a lot. And I know we’re strong. Even though we fell at some points, we always managed to get back on our feet, running back on the track again. We’re created strong, we’re educated strong.
Dear Future Me, I pray that you’re leading a happy life now. A much happier life where you never succumb again into horrible things you have encountered before.
I pray you dearly for a happy life.
Love,
From the corner of chamber F747 Résidence de la Houille Blanche, Grenoble, France
The 20-years-old you.
Dear 20-year-old Me,
Greetings from South Jakarta. Yes, we decided to head back home after we wrapped our adventure in France. Sadly, we haven’t visited the UK yet, let alone lived there.
Yes, we still dye our hair red — we’ve been through so many hair colors but the one that sticks the most is still red. Actually, now we can afford to get our hair dyed with a good stylist who uses high-quality products so the color doesn’t bleed out every time we wash our hair. They are quite long, I managed to keep them as healthy as I could after all the bleach and dyes.
We decided to shift our aesthetics into a more gothic direction. Our closet is now filled with dark colors, mostly black. We still love kawaii stuffs, but not with the clothes, though.
Being 30 is weird. On one hand, I’m quite proud of where we’ve arrived, but on the other hand, I don’t feel quite satisfied. Like there are other things that I should have done before, but a lot of things happened, including a global pandemic. Yes, crazy shit happened between 2020 and 2022.
This birthday was a lot better than the previous ones. There were some years when things were at the bottom, but we managed to pull ourselves back this year. It has been a very blissful week, and there is even another thing waiting for us tomorrow (spoiler: our husband is making us tiramisu and together we will attend a concert tomorrow. I really can’t wait).
So to some extent, yes, we’re happy.
However yes, we have been through a lot. We were diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 24 and then with tendencies of borderline personality disorder at 29. Life has not been kind to us and it left scars. We survived, we pulled through, even though we nearly died at some points.
We currently work at an international institution after being laid off from a high-profile startup last year. Oh, I have to mention that we DID work at the UN for more than a year. How cool was that, huh? However we didn’t get the opportunity to stay longer, we moved from one job to another until we ended up in our current institution. This job ensures financial stability while we can do our job well and in confidence, so that’s quite nice.
We got married to a man when we were 25 (yep, in the middle of the pandemic. No big wedding, only 21 people were there. It was perfect). We met him in a dating app — get off your high horse, I know we once sneered at the concept of dating apps but then we met the love of our life there. He is patient, and fun, but the most important thing is, he is a kind, smart, and respectful man that we deserve.
No, we don’t have kids. In fact, you will come to terms that you don’t want to have any human kid in your life. You will learn that to be a woman, you don’t have to give birth to the babies that you don’t even want. And yes, our husband respects this decision from the start — I told you that we deserve this man. What we do have is two cats, one grey tabby and another orange one, that we raised from little kittens to overweight noisy cats. And we do love them so much.
I don’t know if I have done any good for others, but I hope I did good for us. I prioritized us and those decisions put us in a better place than before.
Dad had a stroke back in 2018 and passed away this February. A massive fight happened between us and the rest of the family in 2022 and you decided to go no contact with them. However harsh this decision may seem, it is still one of the best decisions you’ve ever made in your life.
Uli now lives in Bali, Ochi has a daughter, Mbem is still pursuing religious studies, and Nene works in a big corporation. We still keep regular contact with some of them, but we drifted away from many of our friends. We simply grew apart, that happens a lot as we grow up. Icha got married first and we attended the wedding in 2018. They all got older for sure.
About being heard, our therapist pointed out that this is indeed a result of childhood trauma. Surprise surprise, we’ve got plenty of them! And every passing day we work hard to heal. We spent millions on medications and therapy sessions. It was hard and expensive but it was worth it. For consolation, our husband always listens to and respects our opinions and knowledge, no matter how silly and petty they might seem. Oh, you would be surprised at how could we find someone like him.
We are strong, but you need to remember that it is okay to admit that we do have our weaknesses. Over the years, you will learn that perseverance is not the only thing you need to survive, and you will also learn that that thought came from a place of trauma and pain. You will learn to be kinder to yourself. You will learn to be vulnerable. You will learn about acceptance.
You will accept that the people around you do not match your ideals. You will accept that some people around you have been causing more pain than good. You will accept that you have been enduring pain all your life. You will accept that you have to unlearn so many things. You will accept that you are indeed queer. You will move to strive towards the things you’ve been wanting and deserving in your life. You will learn to love yourself and put yourself ahead instead of burning yourself to keep others warm.
We do not pray anymore; you will be surprised but you will understand. And yes, once again, I dare to say that we are happy now.
Oh lastly, the planet is burning at a very speedy rate so I don’t know if it is worth writing another letter for our 40-year-old self. But we’re making sure to enjoy every moment we can before this godforsaken city sinks into the sea!
Much love,
From a ratchet corner of South Jakarta,
The 30-year-old you.
